Award Show Etiquette

We are well into the awards season, and with the Screen Actors Guild (SAG) Awards scheduled for tonight, it's past time for me to post my annual rules of etiquette for award nominees and recipients.

 (OK, that was admittedly a lame excuse to post a picture of George Clooney.)

 

It could be argued that I'm late with this advice, since the Golden Globe Awards have already taken place.  But if you saw some of the acceptance speeches at that event, you would have to acknowledge that a review of the rules is urgently needed.  So let's get right to it.

1. When they announce the nominees in your category, be sure you are smiling and applauding enthusiastically while they are reading the other nominees' names.  You know the camera is going to cut to you at some point, and you don't want to be caught rolling your eyes or grimacing (as in: "You've got to be kidding - how did HE get nominated?").
2. When they get to your name, STOP APPLAUDING.  Every year, I'm amazed at the number of highly successful people who don't realize that applauding for yourself is tacky.  Didn't you people have mothers or fathers or kindergarten teachers to instruct you in basic manners?
3. You get extra points if you look down in a humble, "aw shucks" way when your name is read.
4. IF you are fortunate enough to be announced as the winner in your category, do not pump your fist, yell "YES!" or otherwise appear to be gloating.
5. On the other hand, do not be SO humble that you appear to be in total shock at the news that you have won.  Some winners take this to the point where it becomes ludicrous.  After all, if there are five nominees in your category, you have at least a 20 percent chance of winning.  So be prepared for that eventuality, no matter how remote it may seem.
6. Here's a rule for presenters:  Do not use the time when the winner is approaching the stage to opine that another nominee really should have won (yes, I'm looking at YOU, Kanye!).
7. And here's one for presenters AND awardees:  There is absolutely no need to mention male genitalia (or female genitalia, for that matter) - see Seth Rogan and George Clooney at the Golden Globes.
8. And just a suggestion for the event organizers:  You might want to limit the amount of alcohol consumed by presenters and nominees; see numbers 6 and 7 above.

Now for some rules about acceptance speeches:

1. First and foremost:  HAVE ONE.  Every year, I am exceedingly annoyed by at least one awardee who stumbles up to the microphone like a flustered amnesiac and babbles about having "nothing prepared."  Did you wander into this event off the street?  Were you not invited and informed that you were being nominated for an award?  I can forgive directors and cinematographers for being a little inarticulate, but actors and writers?  This is your profession, people!  Write a speech that fits into the alloted time, and then rehearse it until you can deliver it with style and grace.
 
2. Your speech should have NO off-color jokes, and you should NOT have to be "bleeped" on the 7-second delay.  See George Clooney and Meryl Streep at the GGs for examples of "don'ts."
3. Do not tell your children to "go to bed."  This is so old and tired, and definitely not cute anymore; yet every year someone says it again.  Haven't any of you watched the last 10 years of award shows?  If you want to sneak in your children's names, just say something like this:  "I would be remiss if I didn't mention my darling children, Saffron and Tarragon, even though they had absolutely nothing to do with my winning this award."  At least it's honest.
4. Don't try to mention everyone you've ever known.  I always prefer the speakers who apologetically say that there are "too many people to mention" (because there are).  One exception to this rule:  if you're going to mention the other nominees in your category, make sure you don't forget anyone.  That is, if you want to avoid having to pull a dagger out of your back at the after-party.
5. Stay within the timeframe.  I presume they tell you how much time you will have, so don't waste it with, "Oh, my, I can't believe it", etc.  And don't threaten to "tear this place apart" ala Robert Downey, Jr. if the orchestra tries to play you off.  It's not their fault that you didn't rehearse.
6. Pay attention to which way you should exit after your speech.  Again, I am amazed that after 10 or 15 awardees have been herded stage left, the presenters still have to form a human chain to prevent the next awardee from exiting the wrong way.  Haven't you people heard of stage directions?

Fashion

Not being a fashionista by any stretch of the imagination, I have only one word of advice.  Model your planned outfit (including hairstyle and jewelry) in front of several trusted - and honest - friends (NO employees or members of your entourage).  If any of them say, "Really?" or "Seriously?" - go back to the drawing board.

Now if everyone follows the above rules, we will all have a more pleasant (if slightly less exciting) viewing experience.  Enjoy the SAG awards tonight - I will attempt to tweet some real-time reactions which I hope will be amusing.

And just a final, personal note:  George, when you're unattached again (and you will be), give me a call.

 
 

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. - Prophet

Much has been said this week, as it always is at this time of year, about Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.  He is praised by everyone on his holiday, especially by political leaders who speak of him (and rightly so) as a national hero.  And the recent unveiling of his magnificent monument in Washington D.C. may remind Catholics of the statues we display of our saints.  After all, saints are not "perfect" people - in some cases, far from it.  They are meant to be revered and imitated as examples of "heroic virtue."

But those of us who lived through the turbulent '60's will recall that King was anything but universally beloved during his lifetime.  Many whites called him an agitator and a divisive figure.  Even some white religious leaders who considered themselves "liberal" (or in today's terms, "progressive") felt he was pushing too hard for civil rights, and should be more patient with the pace of social change (see King's Letter from a Birmingham Jail - his brilliant and heartfelt response to his white brethren).  On the other hand, more militant black activists criticized him for being too accommodating to the white power structure.

I prefer to think of Dr. King as a prophet, in the tradition of the Hebrew Scriptures (Old Testament).  To prophesy in the scriptural sense does not mean to foretell the future, at least not directly.  The prophet's job is to "speak truth to power," usually meaning to the king or another authority figure who represents the people.  Usually this truth is not welcome, so the prophet risks his safety and sometimes his life in order to respond to God's call.

Jeremiah was a prophet in Judea during the sixth century B.C.E.  He warned the people that their idolatry and disobedience of God would lead to their destruction and exile, which it eventually did in 587.  But could Jeremiah see into the future?  Perhaps only in the sense that we can predict the consequences of a certain course of action; for example, when we say, "If you don't quit that smoking, it's going to ruin your health!"  The English word jeremiad refers to a complaint or diatribe.

Dr. King must have understood Jeremiah's description of the burden of being a prophet:

Whenever I speak, I must cry out; violence and outrage is my message.
The word of the Lord has brought me dirision and reproach all the day.
I say to myself, I will not mention him; I will speak his name no more.
But then it becomes like fire burning in my heart, imprisoned in my bones;
I grow weary holding it in, I cannot endure it.  (Jer 20:8-9)

There must have been times when Rev. King wished he could just go back to being a preacher with a small congregation.  But like Jeremiah, he had been called and he had to speak for justice.  He had a gift for using biblical language which was understood by Southerners, both black and white.  This language spoke to the hopes and dreams of black people and the consciences of white people.  He received many threats over the years, and always the shadow of death was not far away.  In one speech he talked about what he would like people to say about him after his death.  Referring to the fact that he was a drum major in his college band, he said,

Yes, if you want to say that I was a drum major, say that I was a drum major for justice; say that I was a drum major for peace; I was a drum major for righteousness.

Martin Luther King, Jr. was assassinated in Memphis, Tennessee on April 4, 1968.  He was there to support striking sanitation workers.  The night before his death he gave a speech in which he used rich scriptural language to compare himself to the first great prophet, Moses:

Well, I don't know what will happen now.  We've got some difficult days ahead.   But it doesn't matter with me now.  Because I've been to the mountaintop.  And I don't mind.  Like anybody, I would like to live a long life.  Longevity has its place.  But I'm not concerned about that now.  I just want to do God's will.  And He's allowed me to go up to the mountain.  And I've looked over.  And I've seen the promised land.  I may not get there with you.  But I want you to know tonight, that we, as a people, will get to the promised land.  And I'm happy, tonight.  I'm not worried about anything.  I'm not fearing any man.  Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord!

After his death, many interpreted this speech as a "premonition."  But I don't think Dr. King had any supernatural knowledge that he would die the next day.  I believe he simply understood that death is a risk for every prophet, and knowing that, he still answered the call.

In the beginning...

I've thought about blogging for some time, whenever I have thoughts to express that are too involved for a tweet or a Facebook post.  A blog allows me to elaborate on ideas, and also frees my FB friends and Twitter followers from being subjected to them!  

The title comes from the fact that "God" is "dog" spelled backward (or vice versa).  I'll compare the two in a later post, but for now it's enough to say that these are my two main interests:  my study of Theology and my dog Marshmallow.  I've learned a lot from both, and sometimes the two subjects intersect.

The "everything else" refers to my other interests - cooking, politics, American culture, current events, and just the everyday frustrations and joys of life.  I'm a middle-aged, single woman, so I'll probably be reflecting on the ups and downs of that, too.  You'll find quite a variety in this blog, and I hope you enjoy it!